so here goes…

The recent belief system I have spent the entire 28 years of my life immersed in (the picture of that pretty white frock still holds pride of place on my mothers mantle) came crashing down for no apparent reason two Sundays ago at some ungodly hour of the morning. Its mass destruction was equivalent to a lifelong game of Jenga, but you’ll be happy to know that in a fabulous tumbling mass the logical side of my brain won. The little wooden planks seemed to have all the fallacies I so recently lived by etched on their sides with ‘that doesn’t make sense’ on top… and there it was!

So off I go to try and find some answers to fill this void of curiosity that has left a tower shaped space in my life. I somehow don’t think other version of a ‘higher being’ is going to make any more sense then the all powerful and mighty, fire and brimstone deity I have just left behind, and far as ‘churches’ go…. well, the kiddy fiddling institution I’ve just run screaming from is not about to be replaced by yet another power driven, misogynistic gathering spouting another bullshit doctrine as if it where gospel. So for now it seems I’m alone, with the FACTS.

The thing is, this … desire to compartmentalise the rational behind the injustices in the world is not something that can be easily switched off. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to ‘believe’ the truth. The lie was far more comforting on a cold night when considering the future events of my life. The notion that ‘Someone’ was going to make it all right, just so long as I lived by X Y and Z, and if they didn’t? then it was just a ‘master plan’ that I didn’t need to bother my little head about at all. I believe a lot of theists feel this way and that is why the ‘truth’ is the harder boat to row, but even with my yearning to leave my life and all its problems in the hands of a greater power, I get the impression that the hole in my dyke is unrepairable and will only widen.

I’m sure you’re wondering why the hell (pardon the imagery, difficult to switch off) I am boring you with all this self analytical crap, well I’ve come to learn that the Atheist Community is close knit and complex, as most, dare I say radical minorities are. they hold their own language and hierarchy. A knowledge on science and humanism that most people in the lay world have never dealt with or bothered to educated themselves about. Me included. I thought it would be interesting to write a new ‘believers’ perspective on Atheism, Agnosticism and a lot of other ‘ism’s that I didn’t even know effected me (apparently they do) and the journey that a new believer would have to go through in order to soak themselves in this new way of life and community. Then I thought maybe that new believer could be me…

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